Literally I ask myself this question probably daily.  A lot more lately as I'm running on very little sleep, covered in puke hourly, and feel all I do is stand in the kitchen preparing food for these 3 little beings that never seem to stop eating.  I'm truly shocked with how much food these children consume in a day.  No wonder our grocery shops are so huge and our fridge is constantly empty.

I also have days I cannot beleive my husband stays married to me.  Those days where I struggle.  I struggle to actually shower, or make dinner, or simply smile without falling asleep.  I do however know I chose the absolutely best person to spend the rest of my life with because he in all of this chaos seems to stay so very positive.

Motherhood is incredible.  Its one of the most gratifying experiences, yet at the same time one of the most difficult.  I remember the days where I could simply pop into a grocery store and wander down the aisles checking out my produce and ensuring that I pick the best.  Now its a rush with 3 children to just put items in the cart (if the avocado is super ripe i'll add it into my smoothies to cover that up lol)

When I became a mother I didn't know I would put so much pressure on myself to be such a good mother.  I try.  I try so hard.  I fall asleep rambling in my husbands ear "wow i feel like a failure today because the kids played on their ipad for an hour, yet there are other mom's doing heroin with babies in their bellies".  He just laughs and says "oh love you are exhausted".  I had ideas of things I wanted to be aware of when I had babies.  I knew simple things like I knew I wanted to homeschool, feed clean food, and allow my kids to grow up slow.  Things I knew I would have to focus hard on were things that might not come as simple to me.  Certain ways we were raised are sometimes hard habits to break.  I know I'm a very involved mom, however sometimes I struggle to be a softer mom.  Sometimes when my family is sick the hardness comes out in me and I need to conciously be aware of this.  I need to stop and just cuddle them.  Rather than me wanting to say "you are fine! be tough".  I honestly have to stop myself because it can be such a habit.  Just taking time to listen and allow them to be soft.

I would never change the way my life turned out.  Even in all this chaos I would have 5,430 babies if I could.  This is probably a sickness or some form of baby hoarding.  Thankfully my husband doesn't allow this.  We do lose ourselves when we become mothers.  We however gain so much.  So much love!


Now all I can pray for is that all these lovely babies of mine continue having lot's of babies this way I get to share my love with grandkids.


XOXO